Wednesday, 30 November 2016

The guilt factor

Pre-Harry one of my favourite things to do was read. I have several bookcases around the house full to the brim of books I've read and I'm not one to get rid of them!

Harry had fed and passed out milk drunk I knew that it was one of those naps that would end suddenly if I moved him. I'd got a new book to hand and I cautiously reached over and smiled as I turned the first page.

I managed to read a chapter before Harry woke (really was a quick nap!) and I enjoyed every sentence. It was like savouring every mouthful of your favourite pudding. But, just like your favourite pudding it also came with a feeling of guilt; I realised that one of things I'm finding hard about being on maternity leave is feeling guilty about enjoying myself. Knowing that Scott was 300 miles away, working flat out ahead of a 3 and a half hour journey home, not seeing Harry for the second night in a row made it hard to truly enjoy the experience of sitting on the sofa reading a book. We've always been very equal with our careers; pre-Harry I could easily spend 60 hours at work, could spend 5 hours a day on the M25 and be reading emails before bed. How do you go from that intensity and pace of life, filled with deadlines and stress to chilling with a book? Knowing what Scott is feeling makes it really hard to just enjoy my day. I feel I should be doing something 'more' than 'just' looking after our baby. It may not be logical; I know that looking after Harry is the most important thing I could be doing for Scott, but emotionally it just doesn't feel right. Like I need to do something purgatory in between the feeds and the cuddles and bum changes to make things even with Scott.

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